There Is Hope

by Meg Harris  

As a counselor in the mental health field for many years, I have been exposed to a lot of children and families who struggle with emotional difficulties and behavioral concerns.

Many people have reported that they were initially reluctant to seek out professional assistance because they didn’t want to feel weak or be judged for not being able to solve problems on their own. They report feeling the stigma of “mental illness” and fearing a label of “crazy.” Individuals and families were left to their own devices to fix a problem, often resulting in the same outcome and repeating the same unhealthy patterns that contributed to the problem in the first place.

It takes a lot for someone to ask for help. It’s time to change the stigma associated with doing so.

After establishing relationships with individuals and families, counselors often hear comments such as “You saved my life,” “I never knew things could be this good,” and “I never thought I deserved better than what I had.” These comments come from people who had the courage to seek out help — people who were open to letting counselors into their lives to help them explore what happened to them, and from people brave enough to take the journey of healing.

Seeking counseling is not an easy decision; things sometimes get worse before they get better. But then something changes. The changes that are reported include feeling as though a weight has been lifted, there is now someone to talk to about one’s worries and to help figure out how to deal with the adversities that life has dealt. People begin to heal, allowing them to trust and to know that they are not alone.

Counselors have the privilege to spend time with others who are willing to share their story, with people who are willing to let their guard down and trust someone with their most prized possessions — their lives, their families, their emotional well-being. Counseling is supportive, compassionate and helps people find answers. People often walk out believing that they should’ve done this long ago!

The time is now. It is time to accept guidance and support from those who can be objective and teach new skills. There is hope that life will change for the better. Our children will learn skills to help them break the cycle earlier, and they will have support from others. Parents will learn that life can be enjoyable again. There is hope for a brighter tomorrow, and we will no longer be afraid to seek it.

There is hope, and the time is now.

 

Meg Harris, LPC, Community Support and Trauma Supervisor, has been a member of the Alta Care Group team since 1989. She is a Nationally Certified Trauma therapist, and has additional certification in Transition to Independence Programming (TIP) working with transitional-aged youth.

Screaming Children and Parent-Shaming

It’s hard enough to remain calm and composed when you’re in a tunnel 540 feet below ground with a bunch of strangers. But when a child of one those strangers is throwing a long and loud tantrum, it can really test your coping skills. I know, because it happened to me.

I was on a trip out west and had an opportunity to visit the Hoover Dam in Nevada. While there, I took a tour down into the depths of the dam — and during this tour I was reminded of one of my greatest parenting fears.

A young family also took the tour, and one of their children was throwing a tantrum — screaming so loudly that the tour guide could barely be heard, even with the microphone he was using.

Many of the adults on the tour were giving menacing looks to the child, and you could almost hear the thoughts of parent-shaming running through their heads: “What a terrible parent!” and “Why doesn’t that mother do something?”

“How many of us have been there?” I wondered. Our two-year-old throws a tantrum at the grocery store or starts screaming at the movie theatre because she can’t have more candy. What most of us feel during these situations is embarrassment, or anger.

Some strong-willed parents refuse to give in to these tantrums and are very effective at ignoring these episodes so as not to reinforce them. Other parents are focused on respecting the other people around them, and remove themselves and their child from the situation.

I don’t believe there is one, single best answer to handling these public tantrums. The temperament and personality of each of us as parents has a strong influence on how we respond.

Neither of these two responses is wrong. But what I found most interesting in hindsight was the responses of people around that family during the tour. Some were able to ignore (perhaps those parents who sympathized with the parents’ plight), while others sneered.

In reality, what was this family to do? They were over 500 feet underground, on a guided tour through dark tunnels.  Even those adults who had never experienced this themselves and weren’t sympathetic might have considered the lack of options for these parents.

The point is, parent-shaming has become a little too common. We’re talking about the most difficult job in the world, one that comes with no blueprints. In my experience, almost all parents are trying their best. Some have a larger toolbox than others, but the vast majority are doing what they think is best most of the time.

If we can try to keep this in mind, maybe the next time we’re in a place with parents who are dealing with a screaming child — on a tour, on a flight, anywhere — we’ll be a bit more patient and understanding.

Let Them Fail

Instinct. It’s part of our makeup, our character. It just is. But what are we to do when we need to go against our instincts — to do nothing when every fiber of our being is saying “STOP! Don’t let that happen”?

As a parent, you learn very quickly that one of your most primal instincts is protecting your children. Even as they get older and should be better able to fend for themselves, that parental instinct never really ends.

Who doesn’t want to rescue their child and make them feel better when they don’t make the team, don’t get to play, or are complaining about getting picked on by little Bobby next door? Even harder, how do we stand by and do nothing when our child gets fired from her job for chronic tardiness, or our son gets stopped and jailed for a DUI?

Our instinct as parents is to tell them the coach is wrong, or to talk to Bobby’s parents. But if we always do this, then we’ll also be finding our child’s next job for them every time they get fired, or bailing them out of jail the next time, and the time after that.

The cold hard truth for us parents is that there are times when we just need to “let them fail.” Remember when you taught your son to ride a bike? If you ran beside him every step of the way, if you didn’t let him fall and skin his knee, he may never have learned to ride.

Just the same, if we’re always there to save our kids from every adversity, as our instinct tells us, they may never learn to overcome it on their own. We want our children to become strong, independent and successful adults — but this sometimes comes at a price for us as parents. We might have to watch our children experience some pain in order for them to develop resiliency.

We need to carefully choose when to lend a hand and when to let a life lesson happen.

As logical as this sounds, I know it’s not simple. Going against our instincts takes a lot of emotional fortitude, and I’m still working on this one myself.

https://youtu.be/_E9HmfHa8pE

“That Kid Is Hopeless”

I remember walking into a school not long ago and hearing a heated argument that was taking place between a student and his teacher. The student was being told to remove an article of clothing that wasn’t allowed. Even when being threatened with discipline, including a suspension for not complying with the rules, the student simply yelled back “Do whatever you want, I couldn’t care less.”

Boy, I admit that it took many years of being a parent to let that one roll off my shoulders. I remember thinking, “I’ll give her something to care about.”

In schools however, we don’t always know the back story. These types of responses from kids are puzzling to many of us because we can’t understand why he’s being so defiant or how she could care so little. With such children, we might hear a comment like “that kid is hopeless” and “he just doesn’t care.” But you know, that comment about the kid being hopeless is sometimes very accurate.

What? Some of our kids are hopeless? Yes, some are — but not in the way you might think. Some kids feel hopeless themselves, in the sense of feeling they’re without hope. There could be many reasons for this: an unrecognized learning disability; a sense of being a failure because they need extra help or individualized attention; a feeling of being trapped with no way out of their circumstances in life (generational poverty, living with violence); and a host of others.

So it’s not hard to understand why a student with this sense of hopelessness might not care about getting into trouble at school. These aren’t necessarily “bad kids”; they’re kids that need to be understood, helped and given hope.

You may be able to bring a ray of hope into the life of a student who just doesn’t seem to care. Try:

• looking beyond the behavior or the attitude. Most all behavior has a function; that is, a reason it’s occurring. Try to find out what’s behind it.
• spending less time trying to think of and enforce a consequence for the behavior, and more time getting to know the student’s circumstances.
• making an effort to recognize the student’s strengths — then support and reinforce them.
• being that “go-to” person for the student — the important and trusted adult in their lives that he or she can confide in.

Most importantly, try to give them hope. There is help for almost every circumstance, challenge or adversity that our children face. We just need to look deeper to get the message they’re sending us through their actions.

No child is “hopeless” — they just need help.

 

The Invisible Child

How do you feel when you see a child with a physical disability, or one suffering from a serious illness or developmental disability?

You may have a natural emotional reaction and feel sad or sympathetic. You might look for a way to help — perhaps with a donation or a word of encouragement. Seeing that child and his or her disabilities really makes an impact on you.

But what if a child has a severe disability that you can’t see? What if you can’t hear their suffering or cries of pain? This is the paradox of the Invisible Child. The Invisible Child is the child or adolescent who suffers from emotional pain that is not easily seen.

The Invisible Child often has no obvious external physical signs of illness, disability or impairment. Their pain may be caused by trauma, such as physical or sexual abuse or domestic violence. Or it may be the result of a natural disaster, an accident or chronic environmental stressors.

The Invisible Child may be depressed, anxious or frightened and intimidated by bullying. But unlike the child with physical or intellectual impairments, we can’t see their problem; they are often invisible to us.

So how can we spot the Invisible Child’s pain? One way is to learn about the signs and symptoms of common children’s mental health concerns.

Here are some things to look for:

• Mood Changes (e.g., feelings of sadness or withdrawal)
• Intense Feelings (e.g., overwhelming fear)
• Behavior Changes (e.g., changes in personality; dangerous or out-of-control behavior)
• Difficulty Concentrating (e.g., trouble focusing or sitting still)
• Unexplained Weight Loss (e.g., loss of appetite, frequent vomiting)
• Physical Self-Harm (e.g., cutting or burning self, suicidal thoughts)
• Substance Abuse (e.g., drugs or alcohol)

Many children don’t get the help they need because their symptoms are invisible to us. Now that you know the things to look for, you can help bring the Invisible Child into sight.

What is the “right” type of parent?

When you apply for a job, what’s the first thing the employer wants to know? When you apply to a college or technical program, what’s the first thing the program wants to know? Typically, they want to know if you’re the “right kind of person” for the job and whether you have the skills to meet the demands of the position. And how do you get those skills? Training and experience.

But what about the most important job in the world? No, not the President, but another “P” word: PARENT. What are the skills and experiences that a new parent must have to be the right kind of parent? Certainly there must be intensive training and technical skill development involved in order to do the job correctly and successfully, right?

The truth is that after working in the behavioral health field with children and families for over 30 years, it’s become apparent to me that there is no single “right” type of parent. The training we receive to qualify as effective parents is primarily “on-the-job” training. The experiences we have that provide the foundation for our parenting style is what we observed and experienced as children growing up.

There is, however, a very basic skill set that is required to be the “right” kind of parent for the children we raise — the ability to give love, show compassion, be involved and interested in their lives, and provide appropriate discipline. It has become clear that there is no single “right” way to do these things. Regardless of personality style, education or income level; race, gender or any number of other variables; if we can provide, or improve our ability to provide these basic skills, both we as parents and our children will be successful.

And remember, being a parent is not easy; as Ed Asner said, “Raising a kid is part joy, part guerrilla warfare!”

A new name, and a new website

Welcome to Alta Care Group’s new brand name and website! This is a very exciting time for our organization as we are growing, creating new partnerships and alliances, and developing new ways to fulfill our mission. Our new website helps mark the official introduction of our new identity, although we continue as the same independent organization with the same commitment to quality and excellence.

Formerly D&E Counseling Center, the history of Alta Care Group, Inc. stretches back to 1970. We continue to be the area’s leading expert in strengthening vulnerable children and families. The same services, programs and quality care that the community has come to know over the past 45 years remain, now under two new division names: Alta Behavioral Healthcare and Alta Head Start. As a contract agency of the Mahoning County Mental Health and Recovery Board, Alta Behavioral Healthcare continues its commitment to upholding the highest of standards set by the Board and the families we serve.

The mission of Alta Care Group is to support the social, emotional, behavioral and physical well-being of the children, adolescents, young adults and families we serve. However, with our growth, including the addition of the Head Start/Early Head Start Program for the City of Youngstown and Mahoning County, we are finding new pathways to fulfill our mission!

WHY ALTA? We chose the name Alta because it is derived from words that mean “high” and represents Alta Care Group’s commitment to:

• High Values…which have helped the organization earn and keep the trust of the people they serve and their community partners,
• High Quality…maintaining excellence and the highest standard of care, and
• High Expectations…for success in helping children and healing families.

During the coming weeks and months, we will be working hard to help the community become familiar and comfortable with our change, and to understand that we are the same growing organization — with a new name. We sincerely appreciate the community’s support over our long history, and look forward to continuing to serve children and families throughout our region.